I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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