I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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