I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
