Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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