seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This baby is an asshole
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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