Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize