They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
