He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
