She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
how drunk are you?
Several
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
