Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
