I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
