I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize