I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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