If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
