I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
