Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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