I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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