life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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