Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
