Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
