cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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