the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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