i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize