my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
