You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
