I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
