my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
