So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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