is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
