Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
