The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
