He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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