My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
