Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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