My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
