I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
