saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
