you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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