I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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