I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
