Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
