some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
