Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
