sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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