he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
