awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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