I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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