Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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