The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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