How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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