So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
