Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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