Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize