I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize