I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
