So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
