Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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