I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
