I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The Olympian is in my bed
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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