Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
