Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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