you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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