You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
