a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
