shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
