i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
