The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
